Emotions in pictures, as self-awareness, as self portrait
h. nazan ışık —
26 December 2025—
This article is about GRIEF. about my grief; a combination of words and photos of objects which represent my feelings, my emotions, my self-awareness, my pain as “self-portraits.”
That’s why I named this article as “FACES of (MY) GRIEF”.
Everything started with my one and only sibling’s death on 24 December 2020. He was buried on his birthday, 26 December 2020.
I was speechless, sad, and in denial. and didn’t want to talk about it at all, until his second anniversary.
On 24 December 2022, I broke my silence, came out of my shell. And wrote about it.
This became a tradition: every year on his anniversary, I write about my feelings.
But this year a great photographer and a good friend died unexpectedly. It was very saddening, I didn’t wait until 24 December. Two months is either a very long or very short time. I didn’t want to take anything for granted, And I believe, it is time to give a visual voice to my inner world, my self-awareness, bring them to light with pictures, in a photo diary, so wrote it on 24 October as “Photo Diary: FACES OF (MY) GRIEF” (Part 4) (DRAFT)” which was earlier than scheduled.
https://www.nkendiken.com/2025/10/24/photo-diary-faces-of-my-grief-part-4-draft/
“Sadness, emptiness, missing, remembering, longing, feeling a terrible sense of loss.” is always with you
However, I realized that just like anything, GRIEF changes too.
And this year I decided to write about it and remember my loved ones on 26 December, on my brother’s birthday, not when he died!!!
2025 hasn’t been very gentle to me so far. I got hurt, I can’t sit down, get up, and stand and sit for a long time without pain and discomfort. Now, I need to use two crutches to be able to walk, move.
The pain worsens at night, brings additional problems. I’m not sure what sleeping position would be best for my legs and for me.
Some nights I woke up to the sound of my own voice : “Mother, mother!”
It felt just as if I were a little child calling my mom when I was sick. This time it was different; this time it was sensing her presence.”
My mom was following me step by step either next to or behind me.
With an eye attached to the safety pin as one unified symbol of safety, protection, and good luck.
In the daytime, crossing avenues is a big problem. The traffic light changes so fast I can’t make it across with one green light. If there is a traffic police officer around, it is fine. Otherwise, I will have to ask people for help cross with me.
Brighton Beach, Brooklyn. I crossed the Avenue with her,
Stairs, especially large, wide stairs with no accessible handrail in the middle or on the side make me feel a fear of falling. “ What if I fall?”
Escalators are scary too.
Even small, narrow stairs in an apartment building are not easy.
I feel my father is always watching me.
Oh, let’s not forget the wind with high gusts, it affects my balance to the point where I have to hug a tree.
In all those situations I hear my inner voice calling my father: “Father, give me your hand please!”
Amazing, that in my inner world the voice of my dad talks to me: either from right in front of me or from behind my ear:
“I am HERE, you can do it. Take your time, you can do it!”
Up to now when I think of (MY) Grief, I thought all it was “ sadness, emptiness, missing, remembering, longing, feeling a terrible sense of loss.”
Now, I know it is also “ CALLING “ and “BELIEVING that they are with me”
With my brother it was different. He was a great artist.. I missed us calling each other and talking , discussing our new (creative) projects.
I always imagine my loved ones as birds, flying freely, happily.
I have two birds in my apartment that remind me of my mom and dad, and they are never in a cage.
I am always missing, remembering, and longing for them.
And, three of them are always in my heart.
I always send them my prayers and love.
It’s that time of year, Christmas time: the lighting of the Rockefeller tree, the decorating of the city, and Saks Fifth Avenue’s famous holiday light show.
While the Rockefeller Christmas Tree draws massive crowds on Fifth Avenue, some visitors are also mesmerized by Saks Fifth Avenue’s famous holiday light show.
Also, there are some nice, quiet window decorations that attract birds—and birds always attract me.
I always imagine being on Santa’s sleigh, free to fly anywhere, everywhere.
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere”
— Albert Einstein
“Imagination is the highest kite one can fly.”
— Lauren Bacall
As I mentioned before, 2025 hasn’t been very gentle to me so far. I got hurt, I can’t sit down, get up, and stand and sit for a long time without pain and discomfort. I have been needing to use two crutches to be able to walk, move.
Bad news: now doctors suggest I use a wheelchair.
I don’t like the sound of it, and it creates a feeling of fear in me.
Fear! You are absolutely not welcome, no room for you in my feelings, in my heart, in my mind.
I called my mom and dad again.
They both agree on not using a wheelchair.
Mom: “If possible, stay away from a wheelchair; it weakens your muscles,”
Dad: “It may be difficult; it may slow you down, but don’t stop using your crutches. Walk, move, work on your muscles.”
Mom: “Water loves you, you love water; if you can get into a swimming pool, swim and do aquatic exercises.”
Dad:” And don’t forget to do your physical therapy exercises at home. Don’t think you can’t do it. Be strong. We are watching you.”
Mom: “No need to worry about anything. We are always with you!”
“Thank you mom, thank you dad” I said. I wish I could hug them.
That feeling brings the ‘regret’ part of my grief back. I regret not calling them, telling them ‘I love you,’ and hugging them more often while they were still here, alive.”
2026! This is how I am aiming to be, like a horse, strong and fearless!
No room for fear in my heart!
TO BE CONTINUED….
Photographs © h. nazan ışık
© h. nazan ışık / NKENdiKEN