Emotions in pictures, as self-awareness, as self portrait
h. nazan ışık —
24 October 2025—
This article is about GRIEF. about my grief; a combination of words and photos of objects which represent my feelings, my emotions, my self-awareness, my pain as “self-portraits.”
That’s why I named this article as “FACES of (MY) GRIEF”.
Everything started with my one and only sibling’s death on 24 December 2020. He was buried on his birthday, 26 December 2020.
I was speechless, sad, and in denial. and didn’t want to talk about it at all, until his second anniversary.
On 24 December 2022, I broke my silence, came out of my shell. And wrote about it.
Waited a whole year, tried to understand, if over time creates new faces of Grief.
And that’s how it became a tradition so far. On each 24 December I listen to my inner voice, comprehend my feelings deeply, and write again.
“Photo Diary: FACES OF (MY) GRIEF” (Part 4) (DRAFT)
Today is 24 October 2025, which is earlier than scheduled. I received an email with a sad news that a great photographer and a good friend died unexpectedly. And I believe, it is time to give a visual voice to my inner world, my self-awareness, bring them to light with pictures, in a photo diary,
2025 hasn’t been very gentle to me so far. I got hurt, I can’t sit down, get up, and stand and sit for a long time without pain and discomfort. Now, I need to use two crutches to be able to walk, move.
Intensity on a scale of 0-10?
When I visit orthopedic doctors, physician assistants ask; “Describe your pain. Is it aching, burning, throbbing, shooting, sharp? And intensity on a scale of 0-10?”
That question, “Intensity on a scale of 0-10?”, always makes me laugh. I say 100!!
Imagine, when talking to friends about their grief, would you think of asking: “ On a scale of 0-10, what is the intensity of your grief?” Pain is like Grief. How can you measure it?
Some days, I am so slow due to pain, that a five-block walk can take two hours, causing frustration, tiredness, fear of being late, and even more pain.
The pain worsens at night, brings additional problems. I’m not sure what sleeping position would be best for my legs and for me.
Some nights I woke up to the sound of my own voice : “Mother, mother!”
It felt just as if I were a little child calling my mom when I was sick. This time it was different, I sensed her presence, but I saw pain-killer pills on a bedside table.
In the daytime, crossing avenues is a big problem. The traffic light changes so fast I can’t make it across with one green light. If there is a traffic police officer around, it is fine. Otherwise, I will have to ask people for help.
Stairs, especially large, wide stairs with no accessible handrail in the middle or on the side make me feel a fear of falling. “ What if I fall?”
Oh, let’s not forget the wind with high gusts. It affects my balance to the point where I have to hug a tree.
In all those situations I hear my inner voice calling my father: “Father, give me your hand please!”
Amazing, that in my inner world the voice of my dad talks to me; hugs me: “I am HERE, you can do it. Take your time, you can make it!”
Up to now when I think of (MY) Grief, I thought all it was “ sadness, emptiness, missing, remembering, longing, feeling a terrible sense of loss.”
Now, I know it is also “ CALLING “ and “BELIEVING”
When I get back home I am very tired already, even in more pain.
Rather than complaining about the pain, I found a better way to cope. I start by making a drink my father liked,
And, put on a nice music that my mother enjoyed,
I get into a relaxed position, elevate my legs,
And look at some images I took; my brother loved them and they always made him laugh.
I sense their presence.
TO BE CONTINUED………
© h. nazan ışık
Photos © h. nazan ışık / NKENdiKEN